Oneonta, New York’s Deer Leadership Speaks Out About DIRT

Just about every inbox I possess is blowing up with a single subject. It seems the topic du jour in Oneonta is DIRT, or the Deer Incident Reporting Tool that was launched this week by the city.

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There's debate ad nauseam all over social media on the topic, and people are voicing their opinions in all kinds of colorful ways. But there's one group that hasn't had a say in the matter - until now. To rectify this, I set out on a quest to speak with the deer about all of the apparent mayhem they've been causing.

My first stop was in the vicinity of the Hartwick wall, near the intersection of Center and West Streets. There I found a herd of about five individuals leisurely grazing. Maurice, a four year old buck agreed to speak with me providing I didn't use his last name.

"Look, I don't know what the big issue is, we've been here for thousands of years. We're native to this land and it was ours first. Perhaps we, the deer should report the errant behavior of downstaters moving here and Jerseying our land" said Maurice through a mouthful of Hosta roots from a resident's front lawn.

Chatter amongst the deer population stems from rumors surrounding humans patrolling the streets with weaponry, taking aim at deer under the guise of "interactions".

Mona Lisa, a two year old doe interjected: "Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A <expletive deleted> bullet rips off part of your head!"

From the center of town, I ventured to a more rural area, the woods behind the Wilber Park pool. There I found a larger herd where I spoke with Greg, de facto leader of the group.

"This place...man...it moves with more speed on deer issues than it does about housing, business development or crime. I've had my stash of sumac stolen twice now. There's so much talk about unhoused populations, yet we are consistently left out of the conversation. Deer continue to be Oneonta's largest unhoused group. Won't someone build a cozy loft for us downtown?" said Greg, seemingly exhausted.

Greg's mate, Donna has some ideas. She'd like to create a reporting tool for deer to use. She calls it DRABH, or Deer Reporting About Bad Humans. "Let's clap right back at these fools. If you plant a garden and complain about me eating it after leaving it exposed, that's a YOU problem. Zero foxes given" she quipped.

No matter if you're a deer or human, it's clear this is a hot button issue in the City of Oneonta, and immediate action is needed.